The Deep-Sea Floor

[Celia]

Here is the only one to know the solace of the benthic snow:
A man searching for answers below the waves and living heretofore.
His Porthole granted sights enriched with shades as black as pitch,
Yet out he peered, like a stock-still lich who stared with sightless gloar.

He searched through the window out which he did peer,
Far under the ocean as his grand bathysphere,
Approached a ravenous deep-sea floor
A grand engulfing deep-sea floor.

He did not know this decision would his life erase,
As he landed upon the deep-sea floor,
And as he looked to view the benthic base,
A calamitous sound, wicked and profound,
Struck the ship to which he was bound and pierced through the hull.
He thought, could this be a fiend he was told were not real?
One his father had banished as he lulled his child to sleep when he mulled
Over the most fearful thoughts, most profound and surreal?

He searched out the porthole, but found no such beast,
And saw that the Earth, with fearful roars,
Had torn in twine the deep-sea floor,
Had split apart the deep-sea floor.

He soon knew he could not his life prolong as it dawned that he could not abscond,
And as his ruin beckoned him along, the ship, deep in the realm men most abhored,
Crashed down below the deep sea floor,
And would remain forevermore.

[Celia]

My objective here was to attempt to harness the brilliance, atmosphere, and darkness of the works of Edgar Allen Poe.

Needless to say, I failed.

Apperantly I'm terrible at rhyme structures and near-rhymes, for a start. The main issue was perhaps that I couldn't figure out how to pace it slowly enough to create a properly dramatic atmosphere. Yet another issue (that I actually feel that I could remedy with some effort, but am too lazy to do so) is that the imagery of the man's father worked against the feeling of isolation I was attempting to create. I also couldn't properly fit in how small the ship is truly supposed to be, which could have played a key role in making the poem darker and more fearsome.

A real shame. I thought that the isolationism and claustrophobia which could be inspired by this poem could make a real masterpiece. Too bad I suck at this.

Also bear in mind that I only used the word 'forevermore' because I couldn't think of another word that rhymed and was also appropriate for the situation.

[Hayley Elizabeth]

I like this one. It's really good!