The Undesirable Life of Titus Andronicus

[Celia]

The Undesirable Life of Titus Andronicus
Chapter One
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Titus Andronicus awoke from a night of bizarre and obscure dreams to come to the realization that he was in fact not being chased by a bear running on its hind legs. He squinted into the sunlight flowing through a nearby window, attempting to remember his most recent dream.

"That fucking bear. I will get my revenge one day."

Titus took a quick moment to register the bi-pedal bear on his shit list, which was listed above Andrew Jackson, but below dolphins in order of his spite towards them.

After getting dressed Titus passed across a large mirror which he had hung in his room, without bothering to look at himself. Titus never looked at himself in a mirror. To the reader this may seem like an exaggeration, but it is in fact quite accurate, and because of this, Andronicus did not actually know what he looked like. The reason he does this is partially attributed to the fact that the majority of people he has known have intentionally avoided looking at him. This is not because he was ugly. Titus was in fact quite average looking. There was just something about him that made one not want to look at him. Titus was quite unaware of this and interpreted people's actions to mean that he was unattractive.

Despite all of this, the mirror took it personally. It wept a single tear.

Titus left his house and headed toward the town marketplace. As he wondered the the hell he'd even bought a goddamn mirror in the first place, he encountered his attractive but emotionally unavailable friend Amelia who was one of the minority of people who did not avoid eye contact with him.

"Amelia, would you go on a date with me?"

"Oh Titus," she responded, "You know that I'm attractive but emotionally unavailable."

"Right."

He took a quick detour out of curiosity to visit the residence of a peculiar resident of the suburb. The person in question lived in a giant toaster oven, which itself existed in a massive cavern on the edge of town. The person in question stood about three meters high and twenty meters across, He was covered in thick, short fur, had a brownish skin, and had about for more limbs then was usual for a human. There were rumors going around about him, but anyone who had ever seen him understood that he just had sort of a "definitely not a spider" look to him.

However, to Titus's dismay the person happened to not be here at this particular moment, and Titus went along his merry way.

He soon arrived in the marketplace, where he waked passed the majority of the stores and ducked into a dark alley, where he encountered the man he had come to see. He wore an elegant suit and held a large briefcase, and was leaning against a wall. He noticed Titus approach and quickly craned his own head back in order to avoid viewing Andronicus's visage.

"Hey, uhh," Titus said nervously, as he eyed the thick briefcase before looking back over his shoulder and then back at the shady man again. "Do you sell grapefruit?"

The man pulled up his briefcase and laid it flat on his hand. He flipped open the case to reveal what must have been a dozen grapefruit. Titus grabbed a reasonable sized one and paid for it. It was at that moment that the man seemed to notice something. He pushed Titus's head aside to view the entrance of the alley and quickly sprinted off in the other direction. Andronicus turned to see what the dealer was running from when he was startled and horrified to see that a police officer stood between himself and the nearest exit.

"Hello there sonny," The police officer said with a smile. "You wouldn't happen to be doing anything illegal in this dark alley with a lump in your jacket the exact size and shape of an illicit citrus fruit, now would you?"

"N-no officer..." Titus stuttered.

The officer gave him the "I'm watching you" sign and walked away. Titus scurried home.

***

Later that afternoon Titus and Amelia were at Titus's house watching television when a public service announcement came on.

The commercial depicted a dead teenager lying next to some clementines which are spread across the floor. A voice speaks loudly addressing the viewer.

"Kids eat clementines because they're legal. Help put an end to it in our newest state proposition, or this could be YOUR CHILD."

Titus picked up the remote and turned off the television.

"That's completely ridiculous!" Titus exclaimed. "Nobody's ever died from eating clementines."

Suddenly the door burst open and a woman with long brown hair stood in the doorway wearing a green dress. Titus recognized her as the farmgirl from across town.

"Oh Titus, I've always loved you," She exclaimed. "Marry me!"

"Wh-"

Titus was very confused.

"I have specifically avoided talking to you." He stated in response before pausing for a quick second. "Seriously. You and your friends are really, really weird."

Celia smiled and tilted her head. "Well then, it's too bad you don't have a choice." She stated as pulled a glock out of her pocket.

Titus evaluated the situation.

"Weeellllllll then, when you put it that way..."

[Celia]

Twist ending!

[Admin]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=guJuiF1FKqM

Looks familiar...

Overall, this was kooky, funny, and totally you. I approve.

[Golden Emblem]

This made me laugh quite a bit, and the writing was pretty good. Also, I'm interested to see the next chapter.

[killerinstinct]

That was... quite random XD But I likes.

[Celia]

Chapter 2
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Titus Andronicus is soon to marry the person whom a glock has informed him is the love of his life. However, like all marriages which bagan at gunpoint, his and Celia's relationship had to start somewhere. Theirs started about a year ago, when Titus encountered Celia plowing in a field, where her eyes sparkled in the sunlight, her hair blew in the wind, and where Titus stopped speaking to her for about a year.
***
It was a pleasant day. The sun was shining, clouds were sparse, and there had not been a single dagger spontaneously fall from the sky and impale itself in the ground at and an uncomfortably close distance to Titus all morning.

Titus moved along the sidewalk when he detected the sweet smell of citric acid. He wondered if he should pursue the scent. While his lust for citrus fruits had gotten him in trouble before (he had been caught with over a dozen kumquats on his person less then a month ago), he was still joansing for a fix. He rounded a corner and saw that the scent was coming from behind a line of police tape stretched across an open door. His curiosity got the best of him, and he advanced toward the door to discover a police officer investigating a dead body, with oranges scattered around the counter and floor of the house.

"Excuse me officer, but what's going on here?" Inquired Titus.

"Oh..." The officer glanced down at the body and kicked it. "Not much, this guy just O.D.ed. We suspect it happened about a day ago."

Titus looked at the man, rather confused. "On what, sir?"

The officer bounced back his quizzical look. "Are you a damn idiot!? This guy's surrounded by fresh Columbian oranges!!"

Titus stretched his palm across his face for a few seconds. "Look, why are you guys always trying to pass off oranges as evil when tests have proven that they can help prevent scurvy!"

A vein popped on the officer's forehead, and he slammed his fists on the counter so hard that a glass tipped over and shattered, and an orange fell off the counter and rolled out of the house and onto the sidewalk. "THERE IS NO EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THAT CLAIM!!!!!" he exclaimed, shouting at the top of his lungs. "Besides, if these are so damn healthy for you, how did this man die!?"

Titus leaned down and picked up an orange, and quickly split it open with his hands. He took a deep whif of the orange before recoiling his head back and covering his nose. "Sweet Jesus, these things are lined with heroine! There's your problem."

The officer stared down Titus with a grimace. "Son, you best be gettin' out of here before I tell my friends that that orange you got there is yours,and have you arrested for possession."

Titus heeded the officer's words and got the fuck out of there. For his own protection, he quickly fled to the house of his good friend Reginald, whom was a sensible African-American with short hair and a fashionable sense of style.

Now due to the infamous history of police brutality, false arrests, and general police assholedness towards African Americans, many people would have considered this a bad idea. However, Regi had spent years perfecting his race card. If he was ever at an immediate risk of being arrested (which he rarely was- he barely ever broke a crime adequate to breaking the speed limit), then he could get off scot free if there was even a single person in the police station with any white guilt in them.

Titus and Reginald spent most of the day together. However, as the day grew on the two soon became bored, as there was not much to do, and they had already experimented earlier in the day, so that was out of the question, so they. decided to take a walk.

Titus and Reginald were walking along the countryside when something magic happened. This was when Celia first laid her eyes on Titus, and ran across a small field to talk to him.

"Hey there, do you want to buy some seeds?"

"No thank you," responded Titus. "Why would you immediately assume that I wanted to buy seeds from you.?"

Celia seemed completely unaffected by his response. "I feel as if the plants I grow make me stronger. Is that a silly thing to think?"

"Well, sort of, yes." Titus responded.

"I suppose you're right. Hey, do you want to buy some seeds?"

Reginald stepped in front of Titus. "Let me handle this."

Reginald took a deep breath and breathed out on Celia, thusly freezing her. He can do this because, as we are well aware, all black people have ice powers.

The two hurried back to Titus's house, hoping to avoid another incident like that, when Amelia came barreling down the sidewalk, crying the whole way.

Titus rushed over to Amelia. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"It turns out my boyfriend only wanted me for sex!" she cried.

Titus stared at her with an astonished look on his face. "OH NO WHO COULD HAVE FORSEEN THIS HAPPENING. NOT ME, I TOTALLY DIDN'T SAY THAT GUY WAS AN ASSHOLE ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO."

"Oh, no!" cried Amelia, "I am way too emotionally damaged right now!!!"

[Admin]

I liked this. It's pretty much hilarious in many aspects of lools and roffles.

[Celia]

thanks, I was pretty insecure about this one.

[killerinstinct]

He can do this because, as we are well aware, all black people have ice powers.

Is that a reference to Frozone, from The Incredibles?

[Celia]

Oct 6, 2010 17:38:34 GMT -5 killerinstinct said:

He can do this because, as we are well aware, all black people have ice powers.

Is that a reference to Frozone, from The Incredibles?

I actually didn't realize the connection until about a day after I posted the story.

The joke started when one of my friends brought up banned pokemon episodes. Apparently, there was an episode banned because some crazy lady said that jynx was a negative stereotype of African-Americans. This was where I made a comment that the stereotype was that black people had ice powers.

[Celia]

Chapter 3
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Titus Andronicus walked through the borough towards a cafe where he met up with his cohorts every morning. He turned a corner and viewed Reginald and Amelia sitting at an outside table, where he quickly joined them. Amelia was wearing thick sunglasses, clearly attempting to overcome a hangover. Reginald just sat there and wondered what the hell Amelia had been doing last night. Titus decided to break the silence.

"Are you feeling alright, Amelia?" he inquired. She looked at him and then waited a moment to respond. "Oh, you know," she said. "I drank some booze and made some poor decisions." Titus and Reginald tilted their heads. She had never done this before, not even once. Neither of them had even ever touch a beer bottle. What they did not know was that Amelia had recently began a steep descent, as she had recently began to overcompensate for her emotional damages by making exiting and dangerous life choices. "Speaking of poor decisions," Amelia said as she changed the subject, "How's your wedding planning going?"

"Oh, it's going marvelously!" Titus responded. He stared up at the sky dreamily. "I can't tell you how much I love Celia. She's such a beautiful woman." It was at this point that Reginald decided that Titus needed to take his medicine. He opened his palm and smacked Titus across the face as punishment for expressing his requited love towards a woman he had only really known for about four days. Titus continued with what he was saying. "I can't help but worry how much the wedding will cost, though.

Amelia peered through her shades and contemplated what Titus had said. "However much it'll cost, it can't possibly be as much as I lost last night." She thought of her experience during the night prior. What went down took place in a shady concrete building. Well, the parts of the night she could remember took place there, anyway. She had lost a ton of money at an underground dog pageant. Afterwards, she stumbled into a nightclub, which she vaguely recalled having date-raped somebody in the next morning.

Even though Titus was interested in what Amelia had to say, his train of thought was soon to be violently derailed as he spotted something quite unusual happening a few tables over. "Hey fellas..." Titus paused for a second in his speech. He wondered how he should break the news. "I think that guy over there is actually a giant spider."

Reginald glanced over and casually dismissed the remark. "Don't be ridiculous, Titus. He's just a little portly around his thorax. I mean, just look at him, he's a perfectly normal individual." The trio leaned forward to get a closer look at the man as he tore apart the pastry laid in front of him with fierce mandibles. Reginald raised his arm and shouted a greeting towards the man, who responded by raising his front two legs in the air and unleashing an inhuman roar. Reginald placed his arm back on the table and faced Titus. "See?" he concluded.

Titus made his final remarks and departed, partially because his wedding happened to be the next day, and he needed to prepare, and partially because he was really freaked out by the large spider three tables down. As he traveled to his house so that he could don his tuxedo, he contemplated on the fact that Reginald and Amelia would not attend the wedding. He had asked Reginald to be his best man and asked Amelia to give a speech, they wanted nothing to do with the marriage. They viewed the ceremony with malice, as they knew that the only reason that the marriage would occur was that Celia had threatened Titus with an invisible gun, which had recently been censored by the 4Kids television network.

The day of wedding planning was mostly uneventful, but at the end of the day Titus had discovered that Reginald had secretly set up a bachelor party for him. The event itself was fairly traditional for the standards of the borough they were in, as it consisted mainly of shenanigans involving strippers, bacon, whores of various genders, and clubbing (but not necessarily in that order.) By the time it was over, Titus and Reginald were drunkenly stumbling home when they passed an S&M dungeon, and Titus heard a sobering sound. He put his ear to the wall and heard it again. "Hey Regi, is that Amelia?!" he exclaimed. Reginald listened closely before verbally confirming Titus's suspicions. "Goddamn it, Reginald, when she had that mental breakdown, why couldn't she decide to come to our S&M club?" Titus inquired. Reginald just looked down and shook his head at the fact that Amelia would go to some random sex club instead of going to the one which he and Titus had majority ownership.

Titus managed to get to his house alright, and after entering he closed the door and slumped down on his couch. He decided that he would watch something before he went to bed, so he picked up the remote and turned on the television. The channel was already on a commercial when Titus turned it on. It showed an African sunset while some words boomed on the screen. "It came from the heart of the Earth." Stated the disembodied voice. The scene changed to that of armed African rebels driving cars down a dirt road. "Something so rare, men will do anything to posses it. And all who touch it are left with blood on their hands." The scene quickly changed to a man feverishly burying a mesh bag full of citrus fruits. The screen turns black, and the announcer speaks along with words as they appear on the screen. "Leonardo DeCaprio in: Blood Orange." Titus Picked up the remote and turned off the television set. "That was goddamn ridiculous."

[Celia]

full chapter is up.

[Celia]

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Chapter Four
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Before we begin chapter four, we regret to inform you that, due to a sudden cast illness, the part of Celia will be played by Kim Jong Il, the part of the Toaster Spider will be played by a television set which displays old Billy Mays commercials and has been placed in a shopping cart for mobility, and the part of Titus Andronicus will be played by the executive producer's grand piano.
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When Titus awoke, his sounding board was pounding inside his case. He had drunk so much during the night prior that the only impression the party had left on him was the vague memory of using an improvised sexual tool consisting mainly of bacon on a male hooker, an act which surely violated around sixty percent of Judaic law.

Titus was in so much pain as he rotated his wheels toward the cafe that he couldn't even think, and instead focused on the conversations around him, which consisted mainly of discussion of the weather, the results of whatever sporting event occurred last night, and Starbursts' controversial new 'lemon' flavor. The things he heard that day also included the roar of the monstrous spider as it wheeled its way toward the local bakery.

"QUICK CHOP IS THE FASTEST, EASIEST, SAFEST WAY TO CHOP, MINCE, OR DICE ANY VEGETABLE, GUARANTEED. HERE'S HO-" The spider yelled as its roar was cut of when it entered the baking establishment.

Eventually, Titus somehow managed to make his way to the cafe table. Reginald was there, but Amelia was absent.

"Oh god, it feels like there's a raccoon running around on my strings..."

Reginald didn't hear what Titus had said exactly, but he instantly knew that Titus was very much hung over, as all of his notes were dissonant. Reginald stood up and hurried over to Titus, where he began to tune him in attempt to relieve his hangover.

"Oh, you poor thing-"

Titus cut off Reginald quickly. "Look, don't worry about me. I think we need to talk about Amelia," he said in B minor. "We need to find a way to distract her from all of these crazy things she's doing. Maybe she would stop all of this nonsense if we got her into a relationship."

"Well that's a good idea, but you can't just make somebody like someone else." Reginald countered.

"That's where you're wrong."

Titus pulled a book fairy tales and myths out of his piano stool and opened it on the table to a bookmarked page. "The legendary 'Filipino man' is said to have the ability to make any man man or woman fall in love with him. The man of the Philippines may be rare to North America, but I happen to know that one just moved in across the street from me."

"That's silly," responded Reginald. "I think it would be easier to encourage her to get a hobby. Something like boating, or maybe model construction." Reginald paused for a quick second to think. "What if we got her interested in Pokemon? I hear people have sank their entire lives into that stupid game."

"What?!?" Titus exclaimed. He was astonished that Reginald would even recommend that. "Pokemon? You mean that game where you walk into well populated cities and cause earthquakes for fun, and then drink a lot of 'potions' in a casino and black out after loosing a fight? I think we should consider something a little less violent."

Just then Reginald spotted Amelia approaching, and the two quickly moved away from the subject as Titus put his book away. Amelia pulled up a chair and sat down. The boys observed that her left arm was heavily bandaged as she pulled a sai out from her belt, which utterly stunned Reginald and Titus.

"Look what I won after beating up a homeless guy!" she said with a chipper demeanor.

Titus stared for a moment. "You...you fought a homeless man so you could take his knife?"

"No," Amelia responded. "I assaulted a homeless man and then found out he had a knife. This is my spoil of war."

As much as he would have liked to console his violently psychopathic associate, Titus fortunately had a wedding to participate in.

Titus arrived at his church a few minutes ahead of schedule, and, after being lifted up by some of the church's staff and flipped ninety degrees so that he could fit through the door, he took a look around. He quickly spied the bride to be, whose beautiful white dress perfectly complimented her gentle jowels and fierce facial wrinkles.

With the greatest of elegance she lifted a Korean flag into the air and impale it into the marble floor below.

"이 교회가 지금 북한의 영광스럽은 사람들 민주주의 공화국의 영토다는 것을 그것이라고 시키다 알려지십시오!" she spouted.

Titus was utterly stunned by the serene grace with which she claimed American territory. He looked to find the priest that would marry them, and as there was only a single priest in the chapel, Titus concluded that the man in question must be him.

"Excuse me sir, are you the priest who will be marrying us?"

The man merely shook his head and pointed up. Titus believed this to be some vague religious gesture stating something along the lines of 'no, god will be marrying you,' but he immediately came to the realization that this conclusion was false, as when he looked up he immediately saw the absurdly large spider which only he himself had been able to correctly identify.

"OH MY GOD!!!"

The Toaster Spider wheeled down the wall and faced Titus, looping a stern video displaying his sharp blue eyes and finely chiseled face. Sure, he may not have been the greatest priest, but he had to make amends for what happened all those years ago.

It was way back when he was still able to speak comprehensibly. He was in church when a young girl burst through the door dragging a bloody body which the poor soul had found in a field. Having recently heard from the merchant of the healing powers of opium, he impulsively shouted, "Well get this boy some Opium! It’ll save his life!”

The use of opium lead to the child's death from overdose. The hulking arachnid never forgave himself.

Soon the marriage ceremony was concluded, and the Toaster Spider ended the ceremony through a massive roar which cleared out the room.

"BILLY MAYS HERE WITH ANOTHER FAAAANTASTIC PRODUCT."

***

Quite a while after the marriage had concluded, Titus had concluded that the arising issue of Amelia was at the top of his priorities.

He would have been with his bride, but he had absolutely no idea where she had disappeared to after they had passed the local missile silo on the way home.

Titus walked into a local bar where he was supposed to meet Reginald and Amelia for a drink, but he had brought along Lu, the attractive Filipino from down the street, who was completely unaware of his ulterior motive. Titus admittedly felt a little guilty about this, but he felt that it would be worth it if Lu and Amelia would end up in a relationship because of his actions.

Making sure that he had Amelia's attention, he thusly introduced the man.

"Amelia, Regi, this is Lu. He just moved into town."

Amelia remained thoroughly unimpressed and proceeded to pile on drinks like a sailor at port.

Titus was dumbstruck. The amorous magic was supposed to work immediately.

Reginald, however, could not stop his heart from jumping out of his chest. He stood up and walked over to Lu, and placed one hand on his own side and tilted his hip.

"Hey baby, have you ever done it with a guy who has ice powers?"

Lu took an immediate liking to Reginald. Titus watched in awe as his plan miraculously and spontaneously burst into flames.

***

Titus was a bit tipsy when he wheeled himself home. When he reached his bedroom he found to his delight and/or horror that Celia was lying on the bed.

"Husband, I believe it is time to consummate this unholy union between god and piano."

Titus soon found himself tumbling around on the bed with her.

"Oh, Titus, I will always love you." barked the homely Korean dictator.

"Celia, I am a Baldwin. I want you to turn me into a Steinbeck." whispered Titus in C minor.

They had Korean on piano sex.

[Celia]

aaaaaaaand chapter is up.

[Admin]

As more and more is introduced, it should make less sense. Oddly enough, it becomes slightly more logical... I like it...

[Celia]

Chapter 5
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We would like to thank our audience for being so patient during the spontaneous illness of our actors. They are quite alright now, so there is no longer a need to send 'get well' cards to our actors. (Thank you all for not sending cards by the way. Our staff just appreciates it sooooooo much.)
_________________________________________________________

Titus lifted his head up off of his pillow. All of his senses were in a haze, save for his eyesight, through which he simultaneously viewed himself through third and first person. The vast majority of the furniture of the bedroom was missing, save for his bed, his nightstand, and a lamp on his nightstand. He was immediately aware of this because, even though it was the dead of night, he could make out everything with perfect clarity. His eyes wandered directly in front of him to discover an arachnid of near dietal proportions was standing in the center of the room, gazing at Titus while Titus himself had just realized the the entity was in the room.

Andronicus burst into an outroar. "HOLY SHI- oh, it's just you."

Titus calmly turned to the side and turned on the lamp before addressing the Toaster Spider. "What is it?"

The creature humbly looked at Titus and did something truly miraculous, something which neither Titus, nor any other living person, had ever witnessed the spider do before. It spoke.

"Titus Andronicus," It addressed in a booming, deep set voice. "I have the natural ability to see into people's minds. As a priest, I use this to guide and aid people's marriages. In my process I usually remain neither seen nor heard, however, there is a secret hidden deep in the chasms of your wife's brain that I feel obligated to show you."

The Toaster Spider turned toward the wall next to himself and lifted one of his front legs. The drywall began to dissolve into thousands of brilliant metallic particles which dropped to the ground and quickly evaporated. It was like a golden shower, if you will.

Titus was as confused as he was astounded at the occurrences. "B-but, how can you do all of this?"

"Because, Titus," The Toaster Spider put his front two legs on the bed and leaned forward, so that Titus's face was not two feet from his own. "I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE,"

The spider stepped of of the bed and faced the wall, which was now almost completely disintegrated. "Look."

Titus looked where the wall was and saw himself in his kitchen, standing perfectly still, while Celia walked around the newly furnished room, which was bathed in morning sunlight.

Titus found very surprising, not only because he was still in his bed where Celia remained in a deep slumber, but because his kitchen was not located next to his bedroom, and it was not morning.

Celia approaches the second Titus and grabbed his face. She began to contort and mold it as if it were clay. The first Titus tilted his head and tried to figure out what was happening, when Celia stepped back, allowing Titus to see his doppelganger clearly. The second Titus's face was now that of David Bowie. Titus rushed out of bed towards Celia, but as soon as he took his first step out of bed, he tripped. As he was careening toward the ground, he jolted awake.

It was morning. All of his furniture was returned, and his wall was where it should be. The Toaster Spider was missing. Titus looked to his side and saw Celia getting dressed.

"Celia!" he exclaimed, "Did you only marry me because you thought you could change me?!"

She turned around to face him. "Well yes, but... but a lot of women think they can change their men."

Titus saw that she was holding the gun in her hand, and made a quick mental question as to exactly why the situation of putting on one's clothes required a gun. It turns out, as a matter of fact, that she never put it down. She carried it so much that people in the town had begun to spread rumors that the gun had been sown onto her wrist.

"Well, yes," Titus responded, "But you want to change me, very specifically, into David Bowie."

The conversation quickly drove downhill as Titus uncovered the truth. This eventually led toward mutual hostile feelings towards the relationship, and Celia eventually angrily stormed out of the house, got in her car, and drove away.

Lu was doing some yard work at his house a few blocks down, when he saw Celia speed of in her hideously green car.

"There goes the craziest woman to ever have a gun surgically attached to her hand."

***

Titus walked along the sidewalk of the business area of the borough along with Reginald and Lu. For a man who had just experienced a loathsome breakup, he was acting surprisingly nonchalant.

They were conversing about nothing in particular when Reginald brought up that Amelia thought that Arnold Schwarzenegger was a good actor. To the surprise of Lu and Regi, Titus agreed.

Lu and Reginald abruptly stopped walking and raised a brow at one another.

Lu turned to Titus. "I heard that Amelia thinks that the Phantom Menace was a good movie."

"Well..." Titus responded. "It had its moments..."

"Oh my god!" Reginald burst out. "You LOVE her!!"

Titus paused for a moment and looked at Reginald, while biting his lip. "DAMN IT, REGINALD." Titus thrust his fist into the building next to him. "You saw right through my facade with your beautiful Jewish eyes!"

Reginald gazed upon Titus with the utmost sincerity, "You need to tell her."

"Well..." said Titus, "It's just that I never really get an appropriate opportunity..."

Lu and Reginald were tired of his sorry excuses. The two of them used their combined gay magic to summon Amelia, unbeknownst to Titus, and quickly ducked into a nearby alley while Amelia turned a corner and spotted Titus.

"Amelia! Look, there's something I need to tell you..."

As Titus confessed his feelings towards Amelia, the two of them were unaware that they were being watched by a third party. Two blocks away, Celia viewed from her car a lengthy conversation between Titus And Amelia, which ended with Amelia giving Titus an open-handed slap on the ass. Celia drove off in a fury.

***

After a night at the local tavern, Amelia returned to her house with Titus and Reginald trailing a few minutes behind. She opened the door and saw that somebody was already there.Celia was standing across the room, holding a gun in her hand.

Clearly emotional and distressed, she was an utter train wreck. "So you thought you could just take Titus right after I left him, you whore!?!"

Amelia raised an eyebrow and slowly walked towards one of the walls of the house. "Well, maybe he wouldn't have left you if you hadn't been such a damn lunatic." Amelia stated, as if to provoke her.

"SHUT UP!!" Celia screamed. She quickly raised the gun and pointed it at Amelia.

Amelia smiled and grabbed a rope which was coming out of the wall that she had installed in case one of her drug deals went bad. She pulled on the rope as hard a she was able, and within the second a door across the room blasted open. An immediate avalanche of no less than eight dozen dachshunds poured through the door's frame, and went on to tackle Celia, pushing her to the ground, and quickly engulfing her.

Within seconds, not even her bones remained.

The dachshunds then ran out of the open door and into the streets. The last runt of a wiener dog waddled off with the gun.

Amelia stepped out and watched the marvelous sight of the large herd of tiny little killing machines charging into the night under the full moon.

She looked to the side and and saw Titus and Reginald, who just reached the house. They looked rather puzzled, and rightly so, as the two of them had just witnessed nearly one hundred blood covered dachshunds launch out of Amelia's house.

She walked over to Titus, wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him for a good period of time. She walked back into her house and gave Titus the symbol with her hand that he should follow.

Titus took a moment to orient himself before he would follow her in, and soon realized that she had stolen his wallet.

"Reginald," he began, "Will there ever be a woman who love me who isn't completely batshit insane?"

Reginald just shrugged. "I doubt it."

******************

The Toaster Spider closed his memoirs and glanced up at the children he was reading them to, some of which were its own. They were scattered across the large gazebo where he himself stood.

"And that, young children, is how I drove a man named Titus Andronicus from the arms of a crazy bitch and into the arms of a slightly more desirable crazy bitch. Now I am afraid you must go. The sun is setting and your mothers are surely worrying for you."

The children left the gazebo and walked across the meadow to get back to their houses in a suburban area around a quarter mile away.

The Toaster spider turned to the side and gazed into the twilight. He pulled up a piece of melba toast the size of a small mattress and thrust his fangs into it.

The End

[Celia]

Finished!