Boomer: A Comedic Fantasy

[Golden Emblem]

Chapter One: An Old Yeller Joke and Internet Memes

“Hey Timmy, here’s the guy I told you would come take care-a old Bubba. Ol’ Bubba...”

I wanted to ignore the fact that I was nearly one hundred percent sure that I was as far south as I could get, but it seemed it would be impossible today. You see, I’m what one would call a sword-for-hire, a mercenary, and I badly need money in order to get the important things. Food, shelter, better weapons... you know, the things that you need to live.

Oh, I forgot to tell you my name. I am the one, the only, Abel Wordswane. I’m infamously known as the Bastard with a Stick. Wait, more like the Killer of Small Children. You know what, just never mind. Just use the overly biblical name my mother gave me.

In an age of swords, magic, and all those fun monsters your mothers told you about to make you act nice to your little sister, I’m the person who shoots zombies in the head (we have guns too), stabs vampires(not the sparkly kind) in the heart, pours holy water on ghosts, and murders bad fan fiction. And today, I was getting paid fifty bucks (they’re cheap in the south, I could have gotten double for doing this up north) to kill a dog.

Sounds sad, right?

Well, it’s a zombie dog at the moment. Good old “Timmy” tried to use voodoo magic on Bubba to make him live again, and now I have to deal with the mutant puppy. The same mutant puppy, I should remind you, that already killed Timmy’s mother and younger sister.

I told you they were cheap.

So, I go into the ol’ barn with Timmy and his father (oh crap, I’m talking like them now), and they open the door just a bit so that I can see the dog in question. It’s a partially rotting Rottweiler (I don’t even make this stuff up), and it was munching on someone or something. It looked almost like a cow, but it might have been the mother. Yeah, I’m going to hell, I know it.

“Alright, I think I can kill it,” I assured the two, pulling out my trusty mace, Boomer. “You’ve just got to stand here and not follow me, even if it bites me or kills me. Oh, and if it does bite someone, you should immediately- oh you little prick, did you not listen?!”

Timmy had gone out, carrying his father’s shotgun (which I had never noticed that he had been carrying until just now), tears welling out of his eyes. He sobbed as he approached what I would guess was his only friend, pointing the shotgun at its head. “Bubba, I love ya, but you’ve been a bad boy. I’m gonna have to put you down like we did to Sprinkles...”

I didn’t even want to know. I just knew that the dog was running at Timmy and Timmy’s father was doing the same thing. I wish I could say I had rushed in to help them, but I had seen this sort of thing happen so many times before. If I ran in, it would probably end up that one would get bitten, turn on the others and make the others zombies, and eventually, the whole town would be in for a world of trouble. As much as people say I’m a heartless jerk, it did hurt to watch the dog bite into Timmy, and see Timmy begin munching on his father.

The dog tried to tackle me, but it was dead when I slammed Boomer into its skull and heard the oddly satisfying crunch of bone shattering. Timmy was easy to kill as well, as he was too busy chewing on his father’s eyeball. The father was already dead, so I decided to search his pockets for the money he was supposed to give me in the first place. He had about two hundred dollars in his wallet, so I pocketed that before getting ready to leave. I was about to turn my back on the whole scene when, from the ceiling, came a bright light and a booming, female voice.

“Abel, stop at once!” the crazy lady voice told me, as a woman began to descend from the light. She looked normal enough if it weren’t for the angel wings sticking out of her back. She wore a typical angel’s garb (a white robe), and she looked a little too perfect with the blonde hair and blue eyes deal. ”You have killed the innocent for the last time!”

“Lady, chill,” I assured her. “They were already dead. Zombies are the living dead, remember? Oh wait, I kind of contradicted myself.”

“You could have saved them, but you chose not to, and instead stole their money!”

“Oh, don’t act all high and mighty, princess. People have done a lot worse. And I’m sure the angels with their whole ‘we’re better than humans’ crap is so wonderful.”

“You have done it for the last time!”

I was getting pretty annoyed with her completely blowing me off, so I decided to point Boomer at her and wave it dramatically. “Oh yeah? And what are you going to do about it?”

“Fire my laser.”

I was sure she said something along the lines of “shoop da whoop” when she indeed fired a bright white laser at my direction, knocking me over onto the ground next to Timmy’s dead body. I tried to sit up, but the amount of pain surging through my head (equal to the pain of getting drunk five times over) caused me to get knocked out and end the chapter.

[Wulfi]

XD

[Griffin]

Nice mix of seriousness and comedy. Careful not to make too many modern references like shoop da whoop to keep in with the fantasy theme, but I loved it.

[Golden Emblem]

Don't worry, the next chapter probably won't have any references to stuff like that. It was basically used because I couldn't think of much else.

[Golden Emblem]

Chapter Two: We’ve Broken the Fourth Wall

I managed to wake up just in time for the second chapter to start. I wouldn’t like to imagine what would happen if I hadn’t. But, the only problem with waking up was that not only was that damn angel standing over me, she had a friend with her. Her friend was about the same height as her (when she was on her knees), and it looked like half-dinosaur, half-bird. If I remembered correctly, it was a dinosaur called a velociraptor.

“Hey, uh, who’s your friend?” I grumbled, looking at the angel. She was stroking my hair, something I didn’t appreciate. “I didn’t know angels had pet dinosaurs.”

“Oh... uh, there is no dinosaur,” she tried to tell me, not speaking in that mystic voice she had used before when lecturing me. “I had to give you some angel dust in order to keep you from waking up, or else you would have been in a lot of pain.”

“Isn’t angel dust some sort of drug?”

The angel seemed surprised at this, and the dinosaur was just walking around, not caring for the two of us. I shot a rock at it as it went right through, proving my suspicion. It was just some sort of hallucination. “Well, of course not. Angel dust is a holy substance that can be used to numb pain. While it does have occasional side-effects, like hallucinations, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed the effects of the curse first.”

I had tried to forget about the stupid curse she had put on me, but I guess I needed to find out what it was in order to continue the plot. I stood up perfectly fine, even scaring off the hallucination as it ran off squawking and trying to fly. Standing up was easy, so she hadn’t done anything to my feet. My head felt fine, she hadn’t cut my hair, and my clothing was absolutely
normal and as dirty as it was before.

“I think you failed, there’s nothing different.”

“Did you check your back?”

I most certainly had not. I tried my best to reach for my back, almost like a monkey would, trying to pick off insects. It took a while, but I eventually felt rips in my shirt (my jacket was not torn, I had to take it off), along with soft, feathery nubs. I was freaking out just a tad, spinning and hopping on one foot to try and get a look at my back.

“What did you do to me!?” I yelled at her, trying to freak her out with the intent of getting an answer. “Why are these things on my back?!”

“Well, you see, the curse failed extraordinarily,” she giggled, much like a ditzy schoolgirl. I was starting to think she had just become an angel, or something equally aggravating. “I wanted to turn you into a demon, you see, in order to send you to hell and make you burn for infinity as you tortured the souls of humans sent there, you know? I wanted to make you really ugly.”

“That doesn’t answer my question, but it makes me think you’re a psycho bi-“

“I made you an angel instead! And I’m not a psycho you jerk! I’m a high-class angel, named Maribelle!”

I was stunned by this piece of news. Well, not her name, I didn’t really give a rat’s ass. The other part of the news was just slightly more important. I didn’t feel all holy and snobbish as an angel, and my “wings” were no more than glorified stumps. I couldn’t have been an angel, or at least a true one. There was something definitely wrong here.

“I’m not really an angel, am I?”

She frowned just a tad, and I now saw that she didn’t want to admit her error to me. Maribelle even had a bit of a blush on her face, something which I was able to chuckle at. “You aren’t an angel yet, to be honest. The spell won’t be complete until your wing span matches your height, and you receive the halo which shows an angel from other winged beings. That usually takes a month.”

“What happens then?”

“You ascend to Heaven, where you spend the rest of your days in the service of God...”

I just realized there was something wrong with this picture.

“...which is actually quite fun. You don’t work that often, and most of the time you spend frolicking, having fun, creating other angels using the same method that humans do.”

Did I really need to know this? I could feel myself breathing heavy, growing scared at the thought. I couldn’t go to Heaven.

“Oh, there are many others things to do, but... Abel? You’re breathing funny. What’s the matter?”

“I can’t go to Heaven.”

“Why not?”

“I’m an atheist.”

She frowned for a moment, stroking her chin as if she had a beard before speaking to me, the worry in her voice. “That is a problem. How can you not believe in God, anyway? He’s come to earth a few times to say hello. That’s being stupid.”

This is where I turn to you, the audience. “Yes, well, isn’t it stupid in general to deny something even if you know for certain that it exists or that it happened? Is that just not being pig-headed?”

“Who are you even talking to? You’re insane; no wonder I was sent to do something about you.”

“Oh, I was just speaking to the audience.”

“Are you really insane, or just stupid?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Anyways, I feel bad for you, so I’ve decided to be nice and help you out a bit. There is a way to break the spell of you becoming an angel, but the only way to do that which I know about is by going to the peak of Mt. Oursdoir and speaking to the elder there.”

I had heard of Mt. Oursdoir from many a traveler. It was not a mountain, at least not by our standards. Somewhere, there was a hole in the ground that led into the insides of a reverse-mountain in hell, pointing downwards from what they considered the sky. An elder lived there, and it was said that he was older than God or Satan, and everything in-between. The only catch was that he would not see a person alone. Someone had to go with them.

“Will you go with me?”

I asked her, but she had already disappeared into a sparkling ray of sunshine. I was left alone with Timmy, Timmy’s father, and Bubba as I sat down in thought. I had no friends that would go with me to those depths. Most normal people would not do something so dangerous, so I would have to think of an idea between now and chapter three.

[Wulfi]

Wooooooo, plot~~~~~~! *dances*

[Griffin]

“I can’t go to Heaven.”

“Why not?”

“I’m an atheist.”


Win. Moar.

[Golden Emblem]

Aug 22, 2009 23:34:38 GMT -5 Griffin said:

“I can’t go to Heaven.”

“Why not?”

“I’m an atheist.”


Win. Moar.

I'm glad you liked that line as much as I did. XD More shall come, hopefully!

[Golden Emblem]

Chapter Three: Introducing My Companion #1

I figured out that my brilliant idea to find people brave (or stupid, I’m not a picky man) in-between chapter two and three. I was just going to hold a try-out and advertise it around some towns I had travelled through in the past. Sport teams did it when they wanted new members; mercenary squads did the same when they needed a helping hand, and I’m sure the adult entertainment industry does it.

There. I’ve done my obligatory reference, you happy?

But, asides from that, I was just waiting in the designated spot for the try-outs, which was in the town square of a little place called Elderstone. I was sitting on the stocks, waiting for people to come up and say hi. Most of the people walked past me with odd looks, but I didn’t blame them. I’m a bit scruffy on the outside, and there is the matter of Boomer being right by my side all the time.

After about three hours of waiting, one person finally stepped up to the stocks, and I’ll admit... I thought I had done something wrong by sending word out that I wanted companions to join me. The guy was a pretty boy. You know the type: dirty blonde hair cut short enough to be not pushing on being a girl-cut but long enough anyways, brilliant blue eyes, and clothing that looked as if it would cost me all the earnings I had made in my entire life. He must have noticed the way I was looking at him, because he wore this strange smirk on his face.

“Don’t worry, I can hold my own,” he assured me in this oddly-calming voice. There was something not normal about him. “I need to go to that cursed mountain with you, so whether you agree to me travelling with you or not, I will stalk you.”

“Oh... uh...”

I didn’t know what to say! Who just approaches a guy and starts babbling on about that sort of thing?! I wanted to know, so I managed to gather myself and say something meaningful back. “Well, I didn’t say no yet. You were saying you could hold your own, what do you mean?”

“I am a demon, full-blooded. I can fight and I can guide you on your way.”

A demon. I had heard of demons on earth, but I had never seen one, much less been able to speak to one. If he could fight, it would be a lot better than me doing all the work. Yet, I wasn’t convinced. “How do you fight, and what kind of demon are you? For all I know, you could be one of those sex demons... oh... uh... what are they called?”

“Incubi and succubi, respectively. And I am an incubus, yes.”

See, this is why I ask these questions. Incubi (incubus is the singular form, and that’s your English lesson of the day) are basically sex demons, who will go out and try to do the do with any woman (or man) they see. It could get annoying fast to have to wait on this guy if he was with someone for a night.

“Uh... I don’t know.

“I’m not like your normal incubi. My purpose for coming with you is to have the man there cure the problem I have.”

“Which is what?”

“I was cursed by a woman to be asexual.”

I tried not to laugh at him, but the snorts and chuckles soon turned into a fit of laughter that I couldn’t stop myself from. I felt bad for him, yes, but it was just so ironic and stupid that I couldn’t help myself from laughing for a few minutes straight. He must have been serious about travelling with me, because he stood there and watched until I was done, wiping tears away from my eyes. I noticed there was a line of people standing behind the demon man, but I would have to deal with them later.

“Well, I can’t say no,” I chuckled. “But can I have your name so I don’t have to refer to you as demon man when I’m narrating?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t ask. Just, can I have your name?”

“Oh, it’s Luke.”

I think I was getting the hint that everyone in this story was going to be named after someone in the bible. “Geez, that sucks. You’re a demon and you got a Biblical name?”

“My parents were idiots.”

“You know, I’m sure there’s a plethora of plot behind the fact that you said ‘were’, but I honestly don’t have time to ask you about it, nor do I particularly care. Take a seat, and we’ll continue these try-outs.”

And we did.

I’m not going to go into much detail (since, after people realized I wasn’t going to kill them on the spot, they gathered like vultures around a zombie), but it seemed as if Luke (who, I found out later in the day when one smart-ass decided to fight him, used a weapon he called a “kyoketsu shoge”, which was a blade with a blade on it and a rope) was the only person who had any sort of skill. Everyone else was basically looking for a free ride to ask this stupid man on the mountain (for the time, I’m going to call him Bob) for something. No one wanted to fight any of the demons or monsters that would be in the way.

By the end of the day, we had found no one else even close enough to being ready to go on this adventure. Night was on its way, and I didn’t want to be sitting out here in the middle of the evening. I glanced at Luke, who was very involved in reading a book.

“Well, we can meet here tomorrow morning and get going, I guess,” I grumbled, wishing there was someone else travelling with us, like a girl. “If you aren’t here by eight, I’m leaving without you. I’m not your stereotypical main character.”

“Whatever you say.”

He was off after that, walking into the shadows. I was going to have to get ready for a long adventure with a person I didn’t even know. I really don’t want to know what chapter four will bring.

[Griffin]

Genius. Love it. Moar.

[killerinstinct]

rofl. Your story is just excellent. A lot of people fail at turning a tragic scenario into a comedic scene, but I find you executed it very well.

And I just love how you keep referring to the plot.

[Golden Emblem]

Chapter Four: Stalkers are Overrated

So, thankfully Luke was waiting for me at the stocks when chapter four began, sitting there with a small bag and reading a book called the Kama Sutra... whatever that was. I hadn’t noticed this before, but some women would pause and stare at him dreamily, before continuing on their way and glaring at me. I don’t know, maybe there was something about him being an incubus that made all the girls go nuts. I guess it would be a hard life for ugly incubi.

“So, my friend, are we ready to go off?” he asked in that sort of voice that made me believe that he believed that we were actually best friends for life now. “I would like to get there as soon as possible, so we should try and make it to the city tonight.”

I hated the city (there was only one city big enough to be “the” city, and that was Port Draonate), because the people there acted very similar to the preppy people from high school. I was the type of person that was always disobeying the rules by doing stuff like taking the frogs from the science lab and hiding them in random lockers, covering the school floors with paper... I got suspended multiple times.

Those were fun years.

“You know, I’d like to go around the city if at all possible,” I told him, trying my best to put on a stern face. “It’s just a real pain, and besides, there’s really nothing there that we need. I’d like to avoid it if at all possible.”

“Yes, but if we go around it, we’re essentially going into some of the slummiest towns there are. And it would take a lot more time.”

“For a person who said that you would stalk me in chapter three, you’re being awful picky about following me.”

“Yes... I guess so.”

“And besides, there’s only one town in-between here and the way to Mt. Oursdoir, and I’d like to stop there for the night.”
“Is there any particular reason for the stop?”

“Well, you see...”

Since the writer cut me off, I figured I would tell you that my reason for going to the small town of Crad was to meet up with someone I had worked with about two years ago. She was an amazing spell-caster, able to heal some of my better injuries (like that time I nearly got my leg chopped off, oh THAT was a fun night) and call on what she called the “force of the gods”. I even remembered her name, Rosa Woods.

And no, you idiots, I was not in “love” with her. She was a good spell-caster, but she was also a raging psycho when she was angry, and when she wasn’t angry, she was just an idiot. If she ended up coming along with us, I’d probably have to carry her on my back the entire time. But it would be worth it if she could heal us from injuries that we were definitely going to receive.

A few hours (as in... we left at eight in the morning and got there at eight in the evening) later, and we had arrived at the town of Crad, where one person was walking on their own down the street. I knew where Rosa lived, so I led Luke there as he dragged his heels. I felt a little guilty for him, as he probably wasn’t used to walking for so long.

“Hey, if you want to go to the bar, you can,” I told him, stopping in the middle of the road as a horse-drawn carriage went past. “Get something to drink for the two of us and I’ll be with you in a few minutes, tops.”

He was off faster than I could say “get me a cold beer and make it an import”. I just shook my head, knowing that I would probably end up getting some cooler or something terrible like that. But, I put thoughts of alcohol aside when I reached Rosa’s house. I knocked on the door once, but no one answered.

Twice, three times... fifty times... and no one was home. I was getting angry, so eventually I decided to take out Boomer and break the door down. When I managed to trip over the pieces of the door and walk in, I found the house empty, and a bit dusty. I walked around a bit, taking some beer from the fridge and drinking it down before finding a note on the kitchen table... addressed to me.

Dear Abel,

I was visited by an angel a few nights ago who explained that her name was Maribelle, and that she was going to destroy you. She visited again and told me that I needed to stop you from reaching Mr. Oursdoir, and that she had failed.

I will not fail. I’ll be waiting for you to torment you each step of the way, Abel, my sweet.

-Rosa

Am I supposed to feel special that I have two stalkers? Maybe chapter five will explain things.

[killerinstinct]

Aww, we didn't get to see Rose the idiot

[Golden Emblem]

Sept 3, 2009 13:53:07 GMT -5 killerinstinct said:

Aww, we didn't get to see Rose the idiot

XD You'll see her and love/hate her next chapter.

[killerinstinct]

It's too bad you won't continue it...

... Or at least, you'll continue it at a slower pace.