Post by TOKAM on Jun 11, 2010 12:46:09 GMT -5
Like everything else in life, the hardest thing about this is finding a place to start. I had briefly toyed with the idea of being humorous about this, but there's no way it would be anything but forced, and you all deserve better than to have me try to laugh things off like they never happened. Please note that while this might seem like a simple thing to you, this is a huge step for me to take, and it's not one I'm comfortable making. Just keep that in mind while you read through this; it's a lot harder for me to say this than it might look on the surface.
First off, I owe all of you a massive, massive apology. I completely abandoned all of you without a word for the second time in as many years, and that's a really shitty thing to do. I haven't really been a very good friend to anyone, lately. I will say that I had my reasons; whether they're valid or not I'll leave to you to decide. I know I don't always think so.
Secondly, you all deserve an explanation for why I disappeared. Unfortunately, it's not something I feel I can talk about in any sort of detail right now. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, it doesn't involve trauma or abuse of any sort; my problems are entirely in my head at this point. The bottom line is that any time I so much as thought about making a post or replying to any of the messages you all sent (and I did read and appreciate all of them that I saw), I'd find myself in the middle of a massive panic attack. That's all I feel comfortable saying at this point, but I would ask you to look into social anxiety disorder, the closely related generalized anxiety disorder, and the concept of hikikomori. They're all relevant, to a greater or lesser extent.
So why come back now, of all times? There's a few reasons, but the biggest one is that after three months of cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm still not "good", but I'm finally stable enough to actually attempt something like this. Adding to that, my explicit task for the summer as of yesterday (June 10th) is to A: reconnect with people I haven't spoken to for a while and B: do things that I enjoy. This place happens to fall under both categories.
There's a catch, though, and here's where I tell you that the topic title is somewhat misleading. I'm past the "learning to cope" phase, and I'm now at the "identifying and removing/avoiding triggers" phase. And as much as I hate to say it, this place is tied to some pretty huge anxiety triggers for me. I don't want to cut ToM out of my life entirely except as a last resort, so I have to try to deprogram my brain to associate this place with feelings of anxiety, and it's not going to be a quick process. So for the time being, I'm "back" only insofar as I'm logging into my account every once in a while. I won't be posting more than maybe once or twice a week, and I won't be answering PMs for the time being. Most of the time I'll just be lurking and finding my niche again. I have to take this slowly, or I'm gonna get burnt out like what happened last time and withdraw even more from here, and I don't want that. You're all amazing people and I enjoy talking with you, but I can't overwhelm myself this early in the game.
On that note, I have a few requests to make. First off, I'd like any and all administrative powers I may still have removed, at least for the time being. Whether they're returned at some later point, I leave up to the administrative staff, but at this point I don't trust myself not to use them to lash out at people. Second, I'd like to ask that no one PM me or try to engage me more in forum activities. I have to do this on my own terms. Finally, I know a lot of you are going to give me a good chewing-out for disappearing again, and I totally deserve it. All that I ask is that it either remain confined to this topic, or that it wait until I've got my roots planted firmly enough that it won't completely bowl me over.
That's all. I will be checking this topic periodically, and I may post every once in a while, but don't expect to see me doing more than ghosting around for at least a few weeks.
And if you believe nothing else in this post, please believe this: I truly missed all of you, more than I can ever say in words alone.
Be well. I'll see you all around.
First off, I owe all of you a massive, massive apology. I completely abandoned all of you without a word for the second time in as many years, and that's a really shitty thing to do. I haven't really been a very good friend to anyone, lately. I will say that I had my reasons; whether they're valid or not I'll leave to you to decide. I know I don't always think so.
Secondly, you all deserve an explanation for why I disappeared. Unfortunately, it's not something I feel I can talk about in any sort of detail right now. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, it doesn't involve trauma or abuse of any sort; my problems are entirely in my head at this point. The bottom line is that any time I so much as thought about making a post or replying to any of the messages you all sent (and I did read and appreciate all of them that I saw), I'd find myself in the middle of a massive panic attack. That's all I feel comfortable saying at this point, but I would ask you to look into social anxiety disorder, the closely related generalized anxiety disorder, and the concept of hikikomori. They're all relevant, to a greater or lesser extent.
So why come back now, of all times? There's a few reasons, but the biggest one is that after three months of cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm still not "good", but I'm finally stable enough to actually attempt something like this. Adding to that, my explicit task for the summer as of yesterday (June 10th) is to A: reconnect with people I haven't spoken to for a while and B: do things that I enjoy. This place happens to fall under both categories.
There's a catch, though, and here's where I tell you that the topic title is somewhat misleading. I'm past the "learning to cope" phase, and I'm now at the "identifying and removing/avoiding triggers" phase. And as much as I hate to say it, this place is tied to some pretty huge anxiety triggers for me. I don't want to cut ToM out of my life entirely except as a last resort, so I have to try to deprogram my brain to associate this place with feelings of anxiety, and it's not going to be a quick process. So for the time being, I'm "back" only insofar as I'm logging into my account every once in a while. I won't be posting more than maybe once or twice a week, and I won't be answering PMs for the time being. Most of the time I'll just be lurking and finding my niche again. I have to take this slowly, or I'm gonna get burnt out like what happened last time and withdraw even more from here, and I don't want that. You're all amazing people and I enjoy talking with you, but I can't overwhelm myself this early in the game.
On that note, I have a few requests to make. First off, I'd like any and all administrative powers I may still have removed, at least for the time being. Whether they're returned at some later point, I leave up to the administrative staff, but at this point I don't trust myself not to use them to lash out at people. Second, I'd like to ask that no one PM me or try to engage me more in forum activities. I have to do this on my own terms. Finally, I know a lot of you are going to give me a good chewing-out for disappearing again, and I totally deserve it. All that I ask is that it either remain confined to this topic, or that it wait until I've got my roots planted firmly enough that it won't completely bowl me over.
That's all. I will be checking this topic periodically, and I may post every once in a while, but don't expect to see me doing more than ghosting around for at least a few weeks.
And if you believe nothing else in this post, please believe this: I truly missed all of you, more than I can ever say in words alone.
Be well. I'll see you all around.
