ST's Novel: Untitled

[Admin]

Chapter 1: The Tournament

The stone arena glowed brightly from the sun reflecting on in. Splashes of blood and scratches in the floor could be seen, even from the farther seats. The announcer, dressed in a manner that was almost inappropriate for the nature of his career took to the middle of the stage. The man fixed his tie, pushed his glasses closer to his eyes, and stared out at the crowd of jeering people.

"Now! Onto the first battle of round two! From Gate A, weighing 115 pounds, a graceful swordwielding wildflower! The mysterious Green Flowerbud!"

From behind the grand door of Gate A, the young woman spoke with a dear friend of hers. The boy ran his hand through her hair and smiled. "Fale, it's almost time for you to go on. Be careful that your hood stays on, and that you don't die. I won't be there to protect you, so you're on your own."

Fale smiled, laughing lightly. "You always say this. You said it last round, you said it in the past tournaments, and you said it in situations which combat was not involved. Set, please, I'm going to be fine," she said, "now get out to the stands and watch me beat some womanizing asshole to death, or whatever I have to fight."

Set paused, terrified. He motioned for her to enter the arena as he backed away to take his seat in the front row. "I'm very serious. You need to treat this as a life and death situation. You're talented, gifted, and blessed for combat, but you can't risk your life for practice. Your mission is greater than this."

Fale, or as the crowd knew, the Green Flowerbud, pushed the large doors opened. Her hair was covered by a hood, which could conceil her identity enough. The announcer nodded and turned to Gate B and inhaled.

"And from Gate B, the youngest person ever to reach this tournaments second round, a fighter with unparalleled magic experience from anyone her age, the lovely Lilliana Myrym!"

Behind Gate B, the girl twitched slightly. "He said my last name wrong. It's two syllables, Muh-Rim, not Murm. Oh well, probably another easy fight. " Lilliana pushed on the door, struggling a bit. Eventually, after further efforts, she forced it open.

Fale looked at her opponent, completely stunned. Lilliana looked at her opponent smugly, as if Fale wore a hood to look cool. "So, what's the deal with the hood?" Lilliana asked out of the blue. The hooded girl looked at the child in a daze. "W-What? Uh- my hood? Oh, well... nothing." Puzzled, Lilliana took a breath. "Well, the only reason you would have to cover your hair is because... You! You're a Demon Touched!"

Fale shook her head. A Demon Touched was an unspecific term for one who had a specific form of close contact with a demon. Fale was not a Demon Touched.

And while Fale had reason for covering her hair, being a Demon Touched was not her reason. Fale had to focus. She couldn't kill her opponent. She also had to recognise that her opponent probably was a skilled magic user, and could be very dangerous.

"Please, before we begin, might we make a deal? Lilliana, was it? Lilliana, please, I don't want to kill you, but I would not like to show you mercy while you could possibly strike me down easily, so if you would try not to kill me, I will show you the same kindness."

Lilliana chewed the idea around in her head for a while. Her last opponent laughed when he saw her and thought he could be her to death, but upon him first tightening his fist, Lilliana had electrocuted his heart into cardiac arrest, leaving him dead in minutes. But this girl was different. She was polite, civil, and respectful. "I don't think I have much choice. Alright. Nobody will die in this fight."

The announcer glared at the two for having a conversation in the center of the arena. He raised both arms and stepped back a few steps. "Round 2, Match 1! Green Flowerbud versus Lilliana Myrym! BEGIN!"

Both girls immediately leapt backwards. Fale drew her sword from its sheath, and smoothly held a shiny black sword straight before her. Lilliana clutched her hands tightly, and a current of brutal electric-magic energy through her knuckles. Lilliana paused, and suppressed the electric energy in exchange for a softer wind energy.

Fale held her left hand forward and a small wind whipped around her fingertips. "Did you think I only know how to use a sword?" Fale twitched her hand, and a sharp gust of wind pulled from beneath Lilliana's feet, knocking her to the ground.

The girl hit the ground with a thud, losing control of the magic in her hand, a swirling cannon of powerful wind shot past Fale, blowing her hood off. Lilliana looked at the girl suspiciously.

Set looked at Fale from the stands, her hair exposed to the entire crowd. "Oh... shit. We have to get out of here..." Set winced as he watched her hair flutter in the breeze. He loved to watch her hair dance like it was doing right now.

"Your hair... is... purple?" Lilliana questioned from the ground.

"W-Wha-Oh crap! Set! Let's go!"

"Hold on! Wait! My teacher told me that he wants to meet you! Please! He wants to help you or something! I don't get it but don't run! He'll kill me if I he finds out that I met you and didn't tell you to meet him!" Lilliana cried desperately.

Fale paused. She didn't have time to think. "Just come on!"

The crowd of people muttered about it for a second, and several came down from the stands to try and capture Fale. Set jumped into the arena, standing beside Fale. "I told you to-"
"Shut your face!" Fale immediately interrupted. By now, about half of the arena had begun to swarm into the arena, armed, surrounding Fale, the rest had run to the back of the arena, or fled completely.

"Set, this is Lilliana, and hopefully, she'll help us out of this little situation."

"Delighted to meet you, but your assistance is not necessary." Set faced the crowd. He bit gently onto his thumb playfully. His mood quickly changed, as he geared himself for battle. Set spit at the ground before the swarm. A frozen flake of snow stood there, invisible to the charging crowd.

"Water Crystal... Pierce their vitals."

The small flake of snow vibrated. As the group of people charged dangerously close, a spike shot out from the side of the flake, piercing the flesh straight through the closest fighters. Set smiled as he looked at his work. Several dead men dangled loosely from the egdes of the vicious magic spell.

"Water Crystal... Cut them... right down to the last cell..."

The flake of snow glowed a light blue. It shook for a second, and in an instant, the entire group of people had been skewed through. But the spell continued. More spikes shot through the dying people until all that remained was a pile of flesh and ice.

"My dear Fale, our opponents have been... eliminated."

"As expected. Thank you." Fale responded.

"That... what kind of magic spells allows you to use that much energy... with... no fatigue," Lilliana muttered, "it's beyond incredible. Is there some trick to it?"

"Set is... naturally gifted. Yes, we'll call it that for now. I believe we should go. It will not be difficult to find a pile of rotting flesh. You wanted us to meet with a friend of yours?"

Lilliana took a breath. That was her new mission, after all. How could someone so powerful be aligned with someone so very kind? And why was he not arrogant? What gave him that power?

"Let's go. Where is your friend?" Fale urged. She acknowledged that they really had to get out of the arena. She pulled her hood back over her purple hair and the group quickly snuck out through the stands.

The forest. Beautifully decorated with flowers of thousands of different colors. The leaves, patterned on the ground with greens, reds, and browns. A true sanctuary. The group settled comfortably in a patch of bright sunlight, amidst thorns, petals, and the smell of purity. This spot seemed so remote, it wasn't even touched by birds.

"He'll arrive fairly soon." Lilliana smiled proudly.

And from out of the bushes, a beautiful blond man draped in black robes approached Lilliana, pat her on the head, and nodded to her.

"You remembered my request, I see. I admit, I never expected this day to come true, though."

The man faced Fale, and dropped to his knees politely.
"Milady... Princess Fale."[/size]

[shadowdeath]

If you don't mind me posting comments here...

But yeah, I think it's really interesting so far. The only thing I didn't really like was how you had that long explanation about the Demon touched. You probably could of left it unexplained, and explained it somewhere else in the story. Or just explained it in a different way.

But sounds good so far. I'm excited to read the next part. Also is it possible for any of our chars to get a cameo appearance?

[Wulfi]

Okay, here's my advice, and I'm not going to point out the spelling and punctuation errors (unless you want me to). =P

From behind the grand door of Gate A, the young woman spoke with a dear friend of hers. The boy ran his hand through her hair and smiled. "Fale, it's almost time for you to go on. Be careful that your hood stays on, and that you don't die. I won't be there to protect you, so you're on your own." Fale smiled, laughing lightly. "You always say this. You said it last round, you said it in the past tournaments, and you said it in situations which combat was not involved. Set, please, I'm going to be fine," she said, "now get out to the stands and watch me beat some womanizing asshole to death, or whatever I have to fight."

Didn't anyone ever teach you to makes separate paragraphs when the dialogue switches between characters? The part I put in bold should be one paragraph and the underlined part should be another. The first part of the paragraph should be a separate paragraph as well. I've seen people enter dialogue after sentences before, but I think it's classier at this point in the story to always start a new paragraph went someone speaks.

I see this occur various other times within the chapter, but I don't find the need to repeat myself.

"And from Gate B, the youngest person ever to reach this tournaments second round, a fighter with unparalleled magic experience from anyone her age, the lovely Lilliana Myrym!" Behind Gate B, the girl twitched slightly. "He said my last name wrong. It's two syllables, Muh-Rim, not Murm... Oh well. Probably another easy fight." Lilliana pushed on the door, struggling a bit. Eventually, after further efforts, she forced it open.

In the bold (which should be a new paragraph) is the error. When Lilliana changes subjects while speaking ("He said my last name wrong. It's two syllables, Muh-Rim, not Murm... Oh well. Probably another easy fight."), you should stop her after "Murm", take out the dots, and add some little action she does.

i.e.: "He said my last name wrong. It's two syllables, Muh-Rim, not Murm," Lilliana groaned. "Oh well." She pushed on the door, struggling a bit. "Probably another easy fight." Eventually, after further efforts, she forced it open.

That's how I'd do it. It looks sloppy to me, otherwise. =/

Fale shook her head. A Demon Touched was an unspecific term for one who had a form of close contact with a demon. One could only become a Demon Touched in three ways. The first way was if a demon is even slightly exposed to a mothers womb. Even if one was within many feet of a demon, the essence of demons easily exposes itself to mothers. A Demon Touched is very rare, since Demons are even rarer to find in the realm of man, even for a second. The second way a Demon Touched is created is through Body Harboring. If a human verbally desires the assistance of a Demon, the Demon gives the human incredible powers, at the cost of the humans life and sometimes, at the cost of all emotions, if the human is capable of survivng, the Demon lives within the human, and can be summoned to aid in activites, though, there is only so far apart the two can go. The third way to become a Demon Touched is to practice the art of catching demons. Since demons aren't ordinarily bound by human traps and cages, a demon catcher must collect them in their body. The difference between this and Body Harboring is that in catching demons, there is no loss of emotion or consequence. The demons and human do not coexist, but the demons are slaves to the human vessel.

Save that explanation for the next chapter. The current position of this paragraph provides too much information at once for an opening chapter, a common problem with newbie authors. Don't make a mistake like that, love. <3

"Please, before we begin, might we make a deal? Lilliana, was it? Lilliana, please, I don't want to kill you, but I would not like to show you mercy while you could possibly strike me down easily, so if you would try not to kill me, I will show you the same kindness."

I'm not trying to impose on your writing style, but I think there should be some breakage for a brief action in between all this text. >_>

Lilliana chewed the idea around in her head for a while. Her last opponent laughed when he saw her and thought he could be her to death, but upon him first tightening his fist, Lilliana had electrocuted his heart into cardiac arrest, leaving him dead in minutes. But this girl was different. She was polite, civil, and respectful. "I don't think I have much choice. Alright. Nobody will die in this fight."

A bit much of an insight on her power, though it does peak the reader's interest slightly to see when she could do in the future.



Other than that, I quite enjoyed this piece of literature. =) Glad to see you're working on it. When can we expect to see an update?

[Admin]

I know it's sloppy, I did it last night and I wasn't in the greatest mood for visual appeal at the time, but in the future, it will be cleaner. And expect this to be updated rather frequently, since I have to write 10 pages a week on this for english. I appreciate the help, since this is quite the royal pain in my ass to write and then organize. Expect some pieces to be edited quite a bit. (Also, this chapter isn't done yet. This is just what has been completed of Chapter 1, so... I have alot more writing to do...)

[Wulfi]

I look forward to more of your work. =)

[Admin]

Chapter 1 complete. I took all advice, and I made Set's battle better detailed.

[shadowdeath]

Fale was not a Demon Touched.

I mean... next line you basically say she's not. It's a little excessive. And sounds funny. Up to you.

[Admin]

Chapter 2: The Princess Velor

"Wait wait wait- Hold up. This is the princess? THE princess?! But! It can't be! The High Council described her as a wicked, evil girl with gnarled purple hair and the face of an evil beast! How do you know it's her!?"

The man, Hark smirked at the young girl. "Lilliana, when I was teaching you, I told you that you should never perceive something until absolutely certain, yes? It wasn't a comment exclusive for battle. If you stop for a moment, you might actually notice alot of misconceptions with this world. While... I've never met Ms. Fale before, it could easily be determined that she's much nicer than what the council allows the public to believe."

Lilliana stared in awe. Fale smiled a peculiar smile. A warm, genuine smile. The smile of someone who could do no wrong without reason.

"So... Princess... Fale? If you aren't actually... evil... then, why do you have a bounty on your head from Velor's High Council?"

Such a charming question to be asked from a young girl. Fale's smile receeded into a place. A place where it will still exist, but a place where it can be hidden. Choking slightly on her breath, Fale twirled her hair nervously.

"Fale was robbed of her throne. The High Council felt that their motives for running Velor Country would be more just, but, as you can see... this isn't a country any longer. This is a jail cell." Set burst in. He spoke rapidly, but still very clearly, articulating every spoken word.

"The economic plans that the Council have are disgusting. Their tax plan is centered towards benefitting themselves. Set and I have seen dozens of abandoned farming villages because all the people have been jailed for missing their tax payments one too many times. I've seen children being put into prisons because there's no more room in orphanages."

Lilliana stared in awe, shocked that this is what has become of the country she was born in. "Princess Fale, this is my teacher, Hark. For the past few years, he's been training me."

"It's truly an honor to be in your presence, Milady. I've studied your mother's ruling in my spare time for years now. She really ran this country divinely." Hark commented.

There was a pause. A silence in the air. At some point, Hark hit a sour note with both Fale and Set. The wind whipped through the leaves on the trees, and the smell of freshness took to the air.

"...Late Queen LaBelle... was a just ruler with a positive sense of justice. A very poor judge of character, but a genuinely good person with good ideas."

Lilliana stared at Fale, and how she spoke of her mother so distantly. She considered asking why, but Hark and herself have so far made such a miserable impression, that it'd be best to leave it as is.

"Shall we get back to business? Lady Fale? Lord Set?"

"Wait! Wait, hold on. LORD!? He's royalty TOO!? I thought he was a bodyguard!"

"Lilliana, Lord Set is the young suitor to Lady Fale. I'm almost disappointed that you didn't assume he was royalty by the silk garments and his natural disposition. Although Lady Fale and Lord Set seem more suited for battle, if you watch the way they stand and walk, you'll notice a great poise that is unmatched by any civilian."

"...I never realized we were this awesome." Set whispered to Fale. She chuckled at how true this actually was. The two never realized before that they really were sort-of important.

"Anyways, Milady. I've only heard occasional rumors of this, but, at one point, you had compiled a militia with which to assassinate the council. Am I correct?" Hark questioned. Another bad chord.

Fale sighed, shaking her head. "Some of my best friends and strongest allies are missing, and nobody has any idea of where they could be located. It was a mistake for me to even try to overthrow the country. Everything went wrong, and I really proved that I'm nothing, compared to Queen LaBelle."

"Lady Fale, have you completely abandoned your plot to regain your birthright?" Hark asked.

A moment of strength took to Fale's eyes. She knew what she wanted to say, but she knew what she really felt. "As much as I would like to save my friends, and abandon my quest... I cannot. If I want to control a country, I have to take the burdens with the benefits. This country needs me. My people need me. They need us."

"Why, then... Milady... Let me make you an offer. Allow me to lead current investigations. I promise you, there will be no betrayal. At this point, the country can't afford it. And I can no longer abide by this situation anymore. Please, I beg of you. Allow me to serve you and your cause."

The purple-haired girl rubbed her chin with her thumb, thinking carefully about the status of the current situation, the risks, and the possibilities. What could this man possibly want to do? Why would he so desire to assist an arcane revolution plot? Governmental benefits? Boredom? Respect? Fale couldn't picture his motives. She looked to Set, who was looking equally puzzled.

Set thought very cautiously. Could this man be involved with the Council who wants to destroy them? In what situation would he be most dangerous? Would he and Fale always have the upper-hand in battle? He looked back at Fale and knew exactly what their answer was.

Set nodded. "We are in no situation where we could afford to deny your generous offer. We'll gladly repay you if you can help us reascend into power."

Lilliana piped in, waving her hands in a childish way, "I'm sorry! I forgot to introduce him, or myself more formally! I'm Lilliana Myrym, incase you forgot. And... uhm..."

"Hark. I feel guilty for not telling you my last name, but it's taboo for a magic user to reveal their last name. Atleast, that is what I believe."

"...Is it because you have a geeky last name?" Fale asked.

"Slightly. Yes."

"Sucks for you." Set and Fale spoke at the same time.

"Milady, before I lose my train of thought, I would like to ask something. Would you like to recruit new allies?"

Fale nodded. What could Hark possibly be cooking up?

"Because I have two allies that can truly hold their own in battle. I know for a fact that they have nothing better to do, and I'm quite sure you'll like them."

"I'd like to meet them first, before we initiate any propositions." said Fale.

"Fair enough. I'll take you to them tomorrow, but for now, we should check into a hotel. Come, I know a nice place that we can afford."

Set pulled on Fale's sleeve nervously. Whispering into her ear, "We're broke! How will we afford this! We never won the tournament! That's why we joined it in the first place!"

"Don't worry Set, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

The group pushed through the forest. Small animals scurried away at the sight of them. Set walked in a daze, not talking with the others, but imagining if this was truly the moment when everything will fall into place, and they can finally pick up enough momentum to find their missing friends and save the people of Velor Country. So long ago, it seemed more like a fairy tale. But now, now there's that sliver of hope. That sliver of hope could drive them back into power, or it could drive them backwards, straight into insanity, hopelessness, and, heaven forbid, suicide. Their future really depends on this man.

Trudging through the brush and muck, Fale and Set placed a cap snugly on each others head, and smiled to each other. Even though, only hours before, they were assaulted by an entire arena of amatuer bounty hunters, it seemed like things were going to go well.

Pushing closer to the edges of the forest, Hark motioned for the two to get closer to the group. "Act natural, and brush the leaves and shit off your clothes."

The group stepped carefully from the forest, into a quiet part of town. It was unfamiliar to the princess, it wasn't like the other towns, it appeared financially powerful.

"Welcome to Tsuma." Hark announced.

"T-Tsuma? I didn't realize we were that close to the Tsuma border... Where in Tsuma are we exactly?" Fale questioned.

Hark stared into the depths of the bright city. "Why, milady, we're in the Royal Diamond district."

Set and Fale stare at him wide-eyed. The Royal Diamond district was a legendary place of world-wide wealth. Only those who were bank owners, multimillionares, or lobbyists had reason to be here. Set had gone from cautious, to manic. How will they afford any hotel at ANYWHERE here?

Hark started to stride confidently through town. Set rushed to his side and stared at him as if he was completely insane. "I know you think that because we were royalty, that we can afford this, but we really can't! Really! Is there anywhere else that we could go? ...Maybe one of those trashy inns, or something?"

"Oh, I see why you might feel nervious, but don't worry. I'm paying."

Set stared blankly ahead, spotted dead in his tracks while Hark still kept walking through town. Lilliana ignored Set, and walked right beside Hark. Fale walked past Set, nonchalantly poking him in the forehead as she kept walking.

The boy blinked fiercely and brushed a tuft of hair from his eyes. He couldn't imagine how things were going to pan out. Looking left and right, he realized that the three other people had walked far ahead of him.

Give me strength... I hope we don't have to rob these people of hotel rooms... ... ... ...Well... ...I suppose they wouldn't notice if a few thousand dollars disappeared...

Running back to his companions, he listened in as they continued to talk to each other.

"...And because she only had one ability, I decided to teach her. Really, it was impressive that she'd be so eager to fight in a tournament at the age of five, and even more impressive that she had made it all the way to the semi-finals, but the safety risk was massive." Hark said to Fale.

Lilliana sneered in a huff, "Yeah? Okay, maybe I was young, but it's Myrym tradition. If you're a girl with the Myrym last name, you have to practice your magic at an early age, because the family is very strict with the amount of magic you have to learn by the time you're ten. If you don't have an early start, you never catch up to the others who work harder than you."

The princess nodded with great interest. "Where I'm from it's very uncommon for children to learn, or even be taught magic. What you do is impressive..."

Poking Hark, Lilliana made a face at him, mocking him. "That's right buddy, I'm pretty darn impressive."

"Shut up. We're at the hotel." Hark said with a monotone.

Set stood next to Fale and looked around. The only hotel nearby was the one Hark stared at, a beautiful hotel with a sign made out of finely carved gold.

Fale shrugged at the thought of resting in a hotel with a display sign like that. Wow. I've always wanted to sleep in a cliche...

The group walked through the giant doors, Fale and Set walking more slowly, carefully stepping on each marble tile, fearing it might break, and the hotel will force them to pay for it. Hark, on the otherhand, walked confidently to the rose decorated counter and brushed his hair at the young woman standing poised behind it.

"Hello there. My party would greatly appreciate four of the best possible rooms you have to offer." Hark smiled, seeming to flirt, "I thank you."

By now, Fale has realized that this experience might be expensive. She turned to Set and whispered to him, "Hey... do you think this place will be expensive?"

Set didn't reply. He stood there, staring blankly into nothingness. His eyes showed no signs of life, and his body had frozen in place. Hark coughed at them, holding up four keys. Fale nodded and turned to Set. Staring dead into his eyes, she said a word that would knock him out of any sleep, out of any trance, and could probably wake him from the dead.

"Wasabi."

Set flipepd out. "I'm awake! I'm awake! Don't!" He threw his body back, looking at her franticly.

"No wasabi. You weren't paying attention. Come on, our rooms are ready."

Fale smiled at Hark, thanking him as she took her key. Set bowed graciously as he took his key.

Fale and Set read the tag on their keychain. One said "top floor: room 2", the other said "top floor: room 3".

"I'll be in room 1, and Lilliana will be in room 4. We got the whole top floor, can you believe it?" Hark announced.

"We most certainly did not get the whole top floor. This building is massive. There's no possible way that-"

"Wow! Our rooms must be huge! This'll be fun!" Lilliana bellowed.

Fale smiled and laughed to herself. I've always wanted a private swimming pool in my bathroom.

The elevator seemed to climb for an eternity. The top floor arrived. Hark was indeed correct. The four stepped into a small hallway with four doors on four opposite sides of the hall. Fale, Set, Hark, and Lilliana divided into their own rooms, curious to observe and then compare rooms with each other. Immediately, Fale finds a fountain and a jacuzzi in each of her four bathrooms. I wasn't really serious about the swimming pool comment, I don't need all this ritzy shit.

Exiting her room, Fale saw Set staring frozen at his doorway. Feeling tired of having to check to make sure he's okay, she punched him in the back of his head, knocking him out.

"There you go. You definitely need your sleep. If only I could decide which of your 5 beds to put you to sleep in."

Hark came out of his room to check on the others. He smiled proudly at Fale. "So? How do you like it?"

"Well, it's... alot."

"Where's... Lord Set?" Hark questioned.

"He's being a drama queen so I knocked him out and put him in a bed. He'll feel better later. And please, feel free to call us Fale and Set. We aren't exactly royalty anymore."

"Fair enough. Anyway, Lilliana is probably asleep, and it's a little late for me too. If you don't mind, I'll be getting my rest. Come knock on my door when you wake up. I wake up early, so don't worry about sleep."

"Well, Hark, you'd better read a book, because I sleep pretty damn late."

"I shall. Goodnight Fale."

Fale turned and walked back to her room, "G'nite. See you in the morning."

[Yumi]

I liked the second chapter now that I finished the whole thing. XD