June 5th, 2011
Is it bad I'm crying over this? Is it?
Unfortunately, Lisa drew the short stick this chapter, and we are sad to see her leave.
Is it?
I dunno, I guess I'm just going through one of those "you'll never be good at anything" stages.
I'll just shut up now before someone calls the whambulance.
Sorry...
In other news, I'm not allowed downstairs anymore because Nana caught me talking to Mom about where to get ice cream, and now I'm banished to the upstairs. She's been mad at me since yesterday when I had some friends over.
Oh, that wasn't what made her mad. She was mad because we did exactly what we were instructed to do, by my mother. And then my grandmother agreed to what rules she laid out. And then when we started obeying them she flipped a shit and screamed at us because apparently she changed the rules last minute (in her mind) and started cursing me out and calling me a hateful, disobeying, rude, ungrateful child, then tried to look somewhat proper in front of my friends with a cheesy smile.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened, actually. lol.
A few weeks ago, the day after prom, my mom had a major heart attack. Extremely major. At her age she shouldn't even be alive now, because of how intense it was. So she was in the hospital, and I was stressing from it, so I went back to bed after it went down that morning.
That afternoon, a friend of mine called, a good friend of mine. He's autistic, Asperger's syndrome and a few other miscellaneous disorders, to boot. Anyway, he was apparently going through a crisis after he saw what I put on Facebook, and at the time he was having another crisis all his own. Double whammy. So he calls my phone, which is off, since I'm sleeping. So then he calls the only other number he has, my house phone, which he'd went through a series of other house calls for it to get into his possession.
So Nana answers the phone. We'll refer to my friend as K.
K: "Hello, Mrs. Robertson, is Lisa there?"
Nana: "Who is this?!" (she responds in her typical bitchy, hateful tone)
K: "This is Lisa's friend K****, is Lisa there? I really need to talk to her."
Nana: "No, she's asleep, like always!!" (Well excuuuuse me for sleeping in on the weekends.)
K: "I'm sorry but like, I really need to talk to her. I heard about what happened to Mama Candi (that's what K calls my mom, lol) and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I'm kind of in the middle of a crisis right now and I really need to talk to her to get me through this. If it's not too much trouble, could you-"
Nana: "She can't help you! She doesn't care about anybody but herself!!" (insert typical grandma rage here. Not like I try to help everyone I come across who needs it, spend X amount of hours after school helping out with clubs, or spend hours upon hours planning and assembling food and whatnot for bake sales for countries in need. :\ Not like she'll ever acknowledge it, even though I've been in the paper like twenty times this year. *sigh*)
K: "I'm sorry, Mrs. Robertson, please forgive me, but Lisa is on e of the sweetest and kindest people I know. She's one of the few, VERY few people at our school who actually stands up for me even though I'm autistic and-"
Nana: "She's can't help you, don't call back again, you bitch!! *abruptly ends call*"
There are a ton more incidents since then, but I digress. Needless to say, life on the home-front hasn't been the best. I've had three anxiety attacks since then. Not fun. And it's so close to the end of the year. I guess I'm just being really self critical nowadays.
I mean, my biggest fear is failure. And I guess I just over-analyze the little failures in my life now and relate them to bigger things.
Sorry for the rant. I just... feel really bad about this. I wanted to write more for the chapter but I was helping out with the panel I was on at Animazement the weekend before the first chapter was due. That took up 90% of my time. The rest of my time? The buckets of school work they're STILL giving us. And then the stuff for the zombie movie my group is doing for Spanish II.
I'm so sorry... I just don't feel proud of myself. At all.
I really wish I could have written more and done more with the next chapter. I had so many ideas...
Please forgive me. This is a huge failure on my part... I'm so sorry,
exponentially so. I am.
I'm just going to... crawl into a little corner and try not to have another attack. I can't afford it, I have a project on Argentina, a script to write, a project on prostitution in regards to statistical analysis, and a timed writing test to do tonight for college. And I'm already upset as fuck.
I just needed to get this out...
I'm so sorry...
